"Finding a Kinder, Gentler Route to Divorce", Vancouver Sun

by Janice and George Mucalov

How often does a divorcing spouse say to their soon-to-be-ex, "I want to finish this process with the same compassion, love and respect I had for you when we met"?

Not often.

Chances are pretty good, though, with something called a "collaborative divorce" - a kinder, gentler, new way for couples to split.

In a collaborative divorce, you, your partner and both lawyers promise not to go to court. Instead, the four of you meet to sort out an amicable resolution - perhaps even popping open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the joint signing of an agreement at the end.

Both of you agree to share fully all financial information without hiding behind legal protections. If one of you bails out of the negotiations and opts to fight in court, both lawyers must quit and each of you must hire new lawyers. And if your own lawyer discovers that you're fudging the true nature of your assets, they must bow out of the case.

It's a far cry from the traditional adversarial divorce, which usually just inflames the litigants, leaving both feeling bitter and resentful.

The idea of collaborative family law (CFL) was dreamed up by a Minnesota attorney, Stu Webb, back in 1990. Burned out with the adversarial legal system, he simply declared he wasn't going to court anymore. Like-minded colleagues followed suit, and pretty soon a new way of getting divorced started spreading across the country.

In Vancouver, the movement took root after lawyer Nancy Cameron discovered CFL while flipping through a newspaper article in a California hotel lobby. Excited by the concept, Cameron and her law partner Phyllis Kenney established Vancouver's Collaborative Separation and Divorce group in late 1998. Today, some 35 or so forward-thinking lawyers in the city belong to the Collaborative Separation and Divorce group and are specially trained in CFL.

They work closely with psychologists and child specialists. (Divorce isn't just about unravelling the legal ties that bind.) If it's felt you could benefit, they recommend bringing in a mental health professional to act as "divorce coach" - to help the two of you deal with the emotional aspects of breaking up and/or to advise on a parenting plan. As a result, they're successful in dealing with high conflict couples.

Working with your spouse to come up with your own solutions for dividing the family assets, paying maintenance and figuring out custody of the kids - backed by sound legal advice - may make far more sense than battling each through the court system.

For one thing, a collaborative divorce costs a whole lot less. Legal fees average just 10 to 20% of the typical cost of going to trial. If you take the traditional combative route, you can easily drop $20,000 just to get to court - and spend $30,000 to $50,000 by the time you're finished your trial. Many nasty court fights cost each spouse more than $100,000 each; some are known to cost $500,000 or more!

It's also a whole lot quicker. The typical case is resolved in three to six four-way meetings, unlike some old-fashioned partings, which can drag on for years.

Another thing. The process is private. There's little risk your dirty laundry will be hung out to dry for the world to see, as there often is with a traditional divorce.

More importantly, a collaborative divorce gives you - the people involved - control over the process. You have the potential to come up with a much more sophisticated solution that meets both your needs. Going to court, on the other hand, is a roll of the dice - you can never accurately predict the outcome.

Sometimes the collaborative process works so well that sparring partners end up reconciling. More likely, however, you'll learn some valuable communication tools which will help you settle not only your immediate divorce issues, but other problems you'll inevitably face with your ex in future.

Sure, there are times when collaboration isn't appropriate - if your spouse is abusive or you don't trust each other to be honest. But if you can have a "better" divorce - and end up with a better relationship with your ex - isn't this the better way to go?

A version of this column was first published in the Vancouver Sun. The column provides information only and must not be relied on for legal advice. Consult your lawyer if you need legal advice.

© Copyright by Janice and George Mucalov

A version of this column was first published in the Vancouver Sun. The column provides information only and must not be relied on for legal advice. Consult your lawyer if you need legal advice.